How to Stop Overexplaining Yourself

Do you constantly overexplain yourself? Do you give people long-winded explanations and complicated excuses when a shorter response would suffice? In this post, we will look at how to stop overexplaining.

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Let’s dive into how to stop overexplaining yourself.

First up, let’s start with some of the reasons why we overexplain ourselves in the first place.

We are nervous

When we are nervous, we tend to overexplain ourselves. We feel anxious and uncomfortable. Consequently, we talk a lot more than we should.

Sometimes we talk to fill the silences, and other times we talk to calm ourselves, though the constant babbling is more likely to get us into trouble than out of it.

Being nervous can cause us to overexplain.

Books that can help you communicate better with others –

The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries, and Transform Your Relationship by Julie De Azevedo Hanks PhD
Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory

We are lying

We overexplain when we are lying.

I have watched a lot of people overexplain themselves when I know they are lying. When people are lying, asking follow-up questions or probing questions usually means more overexplaining because they have to justify the lie.

This is often where people get caught lying, because the deeper you go down the overexplaining rabbit hole, the more likely you are to overelaborate on the lie. The more you overelaborate on your lies, the more likely you are to get caught.

If people suspect you are lying, they will start to doubt you. When they doubt you, they start to lose trust in you.

We overexplain to avoid being asked further questions

Sometimes we think that if we overexplain ourselves, it will stop people from asking us any follow-up questions.

We think that if we bombard someone with a lot of information, they won’t ask any more questions.

Sometimes this tactic will work. However, there is a high chance that this behaviour will make the questioning worse, since the person listening now doubts your explanation. Doubt and mistrust may trigger them to go deeper with their questioning.

We are making excuses

Making excuses is another time when we overexplain ourselves.

We make excuses for things we haven’t done. We make excuses when we have bragged to people about what we were going to do, but never actually got around to doing.

This reason is closely related to the lying one. In fact, we often overexplain ourselves to others when we are lying to ourselves. Our overexplaining isn’t simply to make others believe us; it’s to help us believe our own lies.

We have done something wrong

We overexplain when we feel guilt or shame. We tend to overexplain when we know we have done something wrong.

When we know we have done something wrong, we go to great lengths to hide it. Those lengths often involve overexplaining ourselves to get ourselves out of trouble.

Shame and guilt cause us to overexplain.

We are worried about the other person’s reaction

We worry about how someone will react, so we overexplain ourselves, trying to say something that will soothe or placate the other person.

We overexplain ourselves in the hope that they won’t get angry or upset and overreact. While we are overexplaining, we are hoping that if we say the right thing, we can calm the person.

Unfortunately, this rarely works. If anything, overexplaining often makes the situation worse.

Need help in dealing with other people’s reactions. This book can help –

The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About by Mel Robbins and Sawyer Robbins. This book is excellent and one of my favourites, and I highly recommend it! It’s a game-changer if you embrace the theories in this book.

We are triggered by something or someone

Emotional triggers can be another reason we overexplain. Someone pushes our buttons, and off we go.

This can launch us into an avalanche of overexplaining. If we are upset, emotional, or angry, we are much more likely to overexplain.

We overexplain because it’s a habit

Overexplaining can become a habit. If you have been overexplaining for years, you need to recognise you have developed a bad habit and work on breaking that habit.

Like every habit, it can be broken. The best way to break a habit is to replace it with a different behaviour and repeat, repeat, repeat.

If overexplaining is brought on by trauma, it might be a good idea to speak to a counsellor or medical professional who can help you deal with that trauma.

Overexplaining because it’s a habit and overexplaining because we are lying can go hand in hand. People who lie constantly can be prone to constant overexplaining (since they are trying to cover up their lies).

Now let’s have a look at how to stop explaining yourself.

Be aware of when you are overexplaining

To stop overexplaining, you need to be aware of when you are overexplaining. You need to be aware of how often you overexplain. Give yourself an overexplaining audit.

You can’t change what you are not aware of, so being honest with yourself and becoming aware of when you overexplain is a must.

Here is something that you might not realise: you may be prone to overexplain only with certain people. Say, for instance, you have a difficult relationship with one of your parents. If you are constantly walking on eggshells around them, or if you censor your behaviour so that they don’t get angry, there is a very high chance you will overexplain when talking to them.

Be honest but kind

I am not going to say never lie because this is the real world, and sometimes a lie (even a small white lie) might be the best option so that we don’t hurt someone else’s feelings.

However, if you want to stop overexplaining yourself, be as truthful and as honest as possible.

When being honest with someone, always try to be kind and considerate, especially if you are going to be saying something that you know will upset them.

If you are at work, always be professional.

Be concise

You stop overexplaining yourself by being concise. You stick to the point. You make your point or answer any questions without waffling on and on.

Don’t be rude about it. You can be concise and polite at the same time.

Communicate relevant and important details, but leave out all the waffle and overexplaining.

Think before you talk

Try to think before you talk. It’s even more important to do this if you feel a particular conversation is going to trigger a bout of overexplaining.

All too often, we blurt out our thoughts and feelings without thinking. We get upset and emotional, say things we don’t really mean, and later regret them.

If you are constantly overexplaining yourself, then you have even more reason to think about what you are about to say before you say it.

Take a moment to gather your thoughts

If you are talking to someone and are feeling overwhelmed by the conversation, sometimes you need to take a short break, stop talking and take a relaxing breath.

Sometimes, taking the time to pause, gather your thoughts and think about what you are trying to say can make all the difference.

If you want to stop overexplaining, it helps not to rush through your conversations.

Take your time, stay calm and steady your emotions.

Embrace NO as a whole answer

No is a complete answer.

Personally, I like to add the words thank you. As in, would you like to come camping this weekend? Answer – No, thank you. Or even better, no, but thank you for asking.

Again, there is no reason to be rude. Polite and respectful is always the way to go.

Will people get upset when you say no? Yes, some of them will. Some of them may get very upset.

But you can’t be saying yes to everything just because it is going to upset someone. Saying yes all the time will result in exhaustion and possibly resentment.

Stop doing things that you know are wrong

This might seem a bit basic, but if you want to feel less guilty, then stop doing things that make you feel guilty.

If you are lying, cheating or stealing (or anything along those lines), then you are probably overexplaining yourself trying to justify your actions to the people around you.

My suggestion: stop lying, cheating or stealing.

If you need help to feel less guilty and aren’t doing anything wrong, then read – 20 Ways to Stop Feeling Guilty All of the Time

Do what you say you are going to do

When you do what you say you are going to do, you don’t need to lie about your actions. You don’t need to overexplain yourself as much.

Often, we overexplain ourselves about the things that we said we were going to do but didn’t. Keeping your word both to others and to yourself helps eliminate the need for overexplaining.

Stop justifying your lifestyle

Unfortunately, sometimes we feel like we are justifying our existence or, at the very least, our lifestyle.

People think we owe them, so they have expectations of us. They expect us to behave and act in a certain way. But what other people want might not be the same things that we want.

In this sort of situation, it helps to know your worth. You don’t owe anyone anything. You certainly don’t need to justify your lifestyle, existence or values.

You don’t need to be productive or constantly achieving to be worthy of love and happiness.

You exist, therefore you are worthy. Stop justifying yourself.

Know your worth

This one is really important. If you want to stop overexplaining, you need to know your worth. You need to believe in yourself and in your worth.

Another reason we overexplain is that we are feeling insecure. We doubt our worth, so we overexplain. Similar to how we justify our lifestyle, we feel the need to validate our worthiness.

We overexplain, trying to seek external validation to feel a sense of worthiness. When you know your worth and don’t seek outside validation, you are more likely to avoid constant overexplaining.

Related posts to help you know your worth –

Stop overexplaining yourself

You do not need to overexplain yourself. You are entitled to make your own choices, decisions, and to live your own life without constantly having to overexplain yourself.

Enjoy your relationships with people, embrace your conversations with loved ones, and stop overexplaining.

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Make sure you grab yourself a copy of The Let Them Theory.

Read Next – How to Stop Overthinking All the Time

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