How to Deal With Being Compared to An Ex

Being compared to other people can make us feel bad about ourselves. Being compared to an ex can be particularly hurtful. We may feel insecure. We may start doubting ourselves and the relationship.

Being compared to an ex can make us feel not good enough as a person and a partner.

If the comparison is brutal enough, we may feel unloved and unworthy. Any way you look at it, being compared to an ex is an unpleasant experience.

I remember dating my first serious boyfriend (many, many years ago). We were neighbors growing up. I was an insecure young thing who was not used to attention from boys. He was this good-looking, popular surfer who I felt was way out of my league. His ex was a beautiful girl who had done some modelling and loved going to the beach. She was thin, tanned, and a stunner.

I felt like an ugly duckling compared to her. It wasn’t fun when comments were made about my white skin (which burned to a crisp in the sun, not great for a surfer’s girlfriend) or my flat chest that didn’t look great in a bikini.

This, compared to his ex, who looked like she had been born in a bikini. Being compared to his ex made me feel very insecure.

And it wasn’t the last time I had to process and deal with these feelings in my romantic relationships.

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With that in mind, let’s dive into my thoughts on how to deal with being compared to an ex.

Consider what stage of the relationship you are at

If you are at the beginning of the relationship and your new partner casually compares you to their ex once, it may mean nothing at all. You might be completely fine about it. You might even laugh about it together.

Or it may lead to a mature and open discussion where you both learn more about each other.

If you are in a new relationship and you are constantly being compared to an ex in a negative, hurtful way, that is a red flag that should not be ignored if you want the relationship to be anything other than casual and brief.

Obviously, if the relationship is a casual one that you know what progress to anything, it probably won’t matter to you all that much and will not be seen as a problem.

Consider how long your partner has been out of their previous relationship

If your partner broke up with their ex a week ago and they are comparing you to their recent ex, that is a huge red flag and a sign that your partner is probably not in the right emotional state to be in a new relationship.

That red flag will be even bigger if the comparer was the one who was dumped in the relationship. Being dumped can bring with it a lot of bitterness, anger, and complex feelings.

What the person should be doing is healing from their past relationship. They should be taking some time to work on themselves first before rushing into another relationship.

If your partner has been out of their previous relationship for a long time but is still constantly comparing you to their ex, it probably means they have not gotten over the other person. Another red flag alert.

Want to improve your relationship, these books can help –

8 Rules of Love: How to Find it, Keep it, and Let it Go by Jay Shetty
Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily (No Matter What) by Matthew Hussey

Assess the reason they are talking about their ex

Ask yourself this question: Are they comparing you to an ex or simply talking about their ex a lot?

For starters, if someone is talking about their ex a lot, that’s not a good sign. It probably means that they are not over the other person and/or not ready for a new relationship just yet.

If there is a messy divorce, custody battle involving children, or a financial settlement involved, there may be a lot of anger and resentment aimed at the ex.

Being upset about a messy financial settlement is pretty normal, from what I have witnessed with friends. Taking that anger out on your new relationship, however, is something completely different.

Pay attention to warning signs and red flags

Red flags should not be ignored. Not every red flag means that the relationship is doomed, but certain red flags can definitely mean that you should be thinking about ending the relationship.

The intensity of the red flags and how those red flags make you feel is what is important.

Own your feelings

How does your partner comparing you to their ex make you feel?

Be honest with yourself, because how you feel will help determine how big a problem this really is for you

Does the comparison make you feel insecure? Perhaps you feel unseen and unheard? Maybe you feel underappreciated? You might feel taken for granted or someone’s second choice.

Whatever your feelings are, own them. Pay attention to them. Don’t dismiss them as not important, because they are important.

Assess how often they are comparing you

Is the comparison constant or occasional?

I think if you have constant comparison, you probably have a problem. After all, if you were in a caring relationship (even if you are not madly in love), you wouldn’t be constantly comparing your partner to someone else.

Take an honest look at how often this comparison is occurring.

An excellent book for dealing with comparison is Comparisonitis: How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others and Be Genuinely Happy by Melissa Ambrosini.

Assess the intent behind the comparison

What is the intent behind the comparison?

The intent behind the comparison is a big factor to take into consideration.

Is the person doing the comparing meaning to be malicious? Are they trying to upset or hurt you on purpose?

Does it seem that they are trying to hurt or humiliate you? Are they making unpleasant comments in front of other people to humiliate you, or are these conversations happening in private?

Is the comparer making you feel inadequate and insecure?

Are they aware of how bad being compared is making you feel, yet they keep doing it? If you have already discussed with your partner that being compared to an ex bothers you, yet they keep doing it, the relationship may be heading into toxic relationship territory.

It might not be your partner doing the comparing

The interesting thing is that the comparison might not be coming from your partner. His or her parents may be comparing you to an ex. Or the comparison might be coming from friends or other family members.

You might be hearing a lot about his last girlfriend was so “fill in the blank” from family and friends. They might be singing the ex’s praises while simultaneously pointing out your flaws and weaknesses.

It’s important to work out the intent behind their words. Sometimes there is no malice involved. Other times, there is a personality conflict that may need to be addressed with a mature conversation. Perhaps it’s even a timing issue if the last relationship was recent.

Sometimes, there may even be a personal conflict that can not be resolved, like a family member who will not accept you no matter what. This is a difficult decision, and ultimately, you will need to decide if being in a relationship with your partner is worth the hassle.

Don’t go digging for details about the ex

You might know a lot about the ex you are being compared to, or you might know very little.

You might wish you didn’t know as much about them as you do!

But here is the thing, knowing more doesn’t make it easier, so my advice would be don’t go looking for trouble. Avoid looking them up on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media platform.

You don’t want them taking up space in your head. This is YOUR relationship, and the ex is not part of it. Don’t make things worse by digging for details or photos.

Don’t let comparison change you

Does it feel like your partner is trying to turn you into someone else? Does it feel like your partner is trying to turn you into their ex?

It’s important that you do not let this happen.

Is your boyfriend or girlfriend trying to get you to dress like their ex? Are they trying to get you to act and behave like them?

Are they trying to get you to like hobbies or to act or behave like the other person? Are they secretly or not so secretly trying to make you more like their ex?

All of the above behaviors are a red flag that definitely screams it’s time to run for the hills.

Have an open and honest conversation with your partner

This needs to be an open, honest, calm, and rational discussion. This means no yelling, screaming, or name-calling.

If this is a big trigger that you have been fighting over for a while, then you may need to be very strategic about how you approach this discussion.

If you opt for avoidance, you are just delaying the inevitable.

Tell the other person what you need

While you are having that open and honest conversation, remember that people are not mind readers, so tell them exactly what you need.

It’s important to have this discussion calmly. Screaming and yelling at your partner won’t achieve anything; it will just make everything worse, so avoid that at all costs.

Timing can be an important part of difficult conversations, so do your best to get the timing right. After a stressful day at work, for example, it is probably not a good time to have a serious conversation about your relationship and feelings.

Work on your own insecurities

Our own insecurities can make comparisons feel so much worse.

If we already feel insecure, even something said as a lighthearted joke can be upsetting. It strikes a chord. It taps into our worst fears.

It hits at how we feel about ourselves.

Self-awareness is key here; you need to be aware of your emotional triggers and how to deal with them. You need to be able to calm your emotions when you feel triggered.

If you are comparing yourself, this book can definitely help.

Focus on restoring your self-worth

If you are feeling insecure due to being compared to an ex, it’s important to work on rebuilding your sense of self-worth.

Your self-worth is your core. It is what helps you stay strong through criticism and life’s challenges.

No matter what your relationship status is or whether you stay with your partner, you need to remember that you are enough. You are enough as a person and as a partner.

Check out my range of self-worth posts that can help rebuild your self-worth.

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Know when you need to walk away

It’s important that you know when to walk away.

You need to know your enough is enough point. There are times when the comparison (plus all the red flags and bad treatment) gets too much.

There are times when we need to stay strong and walk away from a bad relationship.

Walking away (especially if you have children together) may be one of the hardest things you do in life. But it may also be one of the most meaningful things. Only you can make that decision.

Seek counselling if required

Whether you seek counselling as a couple or on your own, counselling can help you work through your feelings and emotions. Counselling can help. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help if you need it.

If you are single and want to move on with your life but are struggling after your last relationship, make sure you seek the help you need.

This book may help if you have been through a difficult relationship.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie.

Being compared to an ex

Being compared to an ex can be challenging. It may feel heartbreaking. It’s so important to know your worth in this situation. You need to know what you bring to the relationship, stand up for yourself, ask for what you need, and be prepared to walk away from the relationship if necessary.

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