The Power of Silence After a Breakup

I’ve had my heart broken a time or two in the past. Honestly, it’s probably more like ten times than two, but who’s counting? After going through these breakups and watching the breakups and heartbreak of others, I have learned the power of silence after a breakup.

When my relationships ended, there was often fighting, unpleasant conversations, and crying. Sometimes there was no interaction at all. Just someone (usually not me) walking out and never looking back. I’ve had my share of people leaving my life and not bothering to tell me why or even bothering to tell me they were leaving!

You see some couples battle it out to the bitter, horrible end. It’s all name-calling and blaming. It’s lots of ugly, hurtful words that cause maximum damage.

And it’s not just romantic couples that fall apart. Friendships end. Family members become estranged.

Embracing the power of silence after a breakup can sometimes make our lives easier.

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Let’s dive into my thoughts on the power of silence after a breakup.

The power of no contact

There is power in no contact. No phoning, emails, text (drunken or otherwise), no social media stalking, no checking Facebook, no Instagram, LinkedIn, or apps of any kind. No driving by their house or phoning.

Nothing. Nada.

Obviously, if you have kids together, the no contact rule most likely won’t apply. Parents need to be there for their children, regardless of how they feel about their partner. Even more so if there are young children involved.

The power of NOT getting closure

I understand the urge to get closure. I have wanted to know what the hell happened many times myself in the past. We think that if we get closure, it will be easier to move on.

The truth is, sometimes we get closure, and it does help. Other times, learning the truth can just put us in a bigger pit of despair and give us no emotional release at all.

Women in particular seem to want closure. We obsess about the why. I know because I used to be one of them. I was obsessed with the why. When a relationship tanked, I even had a theme song for the whole mess called ‘Why” by Annie Lennox. I would play the song over and over again, obsessing about everything that happened and the choices I made.

I drove myself crazy listening to that song. It was like my own personal torture device.

I don’t torture myself anymore, and neither should you.

Sometimes we get peace in closure, and sometimes it’s just more uncertainty. Making peace with the uncertainty, ultimately, is going to help you move forward.

Books that can help you through a breakup –

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened To You by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

The power of keeping your cool

It’s important to maintain your dignity and integrity after a break-up. I know at the time, this will feel like the least of your concerns, but later, when the dust has settled, you will reflect back on whether you acted with integrity.

A question to ask yourself is – did I keep my cool and make the situation better for myself, or did I lose my shit and make things worse?

You may feel embarrassed by the way you acted. Not to mention some behaviors (particularly if anything illegal is involved) can have a long-term negative effect on your life.

You might have to live with losing your cool for the rest of your life. You don’t want this for yourself. No person is worth that. You are entitled to be upset at being treated badly, but don’t lower your standards and drag yourself down to someone else’s level.

You are so much better than that.

Despite being treated badly, the one thing you can hang onto is your integrity.

Keep your temper under control. Be proud of the way you handle yourself, even in your toughest moments. Hold your head high and stay calm.

The power of NOT saying what is on your mind

Many years ago, I remember practically begging my ex-boyfriend to take me back over email. We’d been living in London together, and he ended the relationship.

That’s probably a polite way of saying it. I was dumped big time. I arrived back in Australia, unemployed, homeless, broke, and with a shattered heart. I was devastated. I came back from London a shell of my former self.

To top that devastation off, I begged him via email to take me back and let me move back to London to be with him.

It was humiliating. There was no moving back to London. He had moved on while I was still drowning.

I should never have sent that email. Sometimes all of those big emotions need to NOT see the light of day (unless you are speaking to a therapist or counselor, which, let’s face it, is what I should have been doing at the time).

But I did learn from that lesson. Now, before I send an emotional email, I think about whether I should be sending it. Most of the time, I stop myself and do not send the email or say the words.

Sometimes not speaking up is the most powerful choice.

The power of keeping your emotions to yourself

Don’t get me wrong, many of us speak to our friends when we experience a breakup. This is perfectly normal behavior.

We lean on our friends for emotional support. This support isn’t usually a once-and-done experience. We tend to have the same conversations over and over again, as a way to process our conflicting and often complex feelings and emotions.

There may be a time, however, when we need to stop talking to our friends and start talking to a counselor or a medical professional who can help us. I have worked with counselors in the past, and they have always been beneficial. Make sure you reach out for help if you need it.

Another option that has helped me immensely over the years is journaling. Write down your feelings. Write down your sadness and anger, or whatever it is you are feeling. Your journal is not for anyone else to read. Only you. Writing is very therapeutic and healing.

I remember years ago reading through one of my old journals and laughing my head off about my feelings after a breakup that had been so dramatic and emotional at the time, but now held no emotional sway over me at all. It was a clear sign of how much I had grown and matured.

Write through your pain. Bring yourself out the other side.

The power of not talking about your ex

When we talk about our ex all the time, it can take the focus off ourselves and away from our own lives.

We are using our precious and, might I add, limited energy on focusing on someone outside of ourselves. More to the point, we are focusing on someone’s behavior that is out of our control.

When we break up with someone, especially if they are the ones who initiated it, we tend to think about that person way, way too much. We think about what they are doing and who they are with. We wonder how they could have treated us the way they have and whether they are thinking about us.

The truth is, none of that matters. The answers to those questions do not matter.

I know from experience that it’s a hard pill to swallow.

After a breakup, what you should be doing is focusing on yourself. Focus on rebuilding your self-worth if your self-worth and self-esteem have taken a hit. Be kinder to yourself. Focus on your life and what lies ahead.

If focusing too far into the future seems too much of a challenge, that’s okay. Focus on today and tomorrow.

Give yourself time to heal. Put your energy into your recovery and personal growth. Even if it means taking small steps every day. Embrace the small wins and put 100% of your focus back on yourself.

Related posts –

The power of not running into another relationship until you have healed

I’ve seen this happen so many times. I have unfortunately done it myself.

Some people seem to be serial monogamists. They go from one relationship to another with no breaks in between. There might even be periods of overlap with relationships. It’s like they can not bear to be single or alone, so they have to have someone lined up. Even if the person is a bad choice for them. Even if they know right from the get-go, that the new person is simply a placeholder until someone better comes along.

This is how people get hurt.

This is why people feel used and lose their faith in relationships. It’s one way people learn that they have something to fear from relationships.

More books to help you through a breakup –

Win Your Breakup: How to Be the One That Got Away by Natasha Adamo
After the Breakup: A Self-Love Journal: Prompts and Practices to Help You Get Over Your Ex by Lindsey Dortch Brook LCSW
How to Be Single and Happy: Science-Based Strategies for Keeping Your Sanity While Looking for a Soul Mate by Jennifer Taitz

The power of letting go

This can be the ultimate power. It’s also one of the hardest.

I am experiencing this situation myself at the moment. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, and the last couple of years have been tough. It’s been incredibly hard.

During this time, one of my closest friends decided she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. She didn’t openly come out and say that she was ending our friendship; she ghosted me at a time in my life when I needed her the most. When she hit rock bottom in her life, I was there for her. When I hit rock bottom, she disappeared.

After being close friends for 25 years, it’s been a huge loss in my life. Letting go of the friendship has been extremely difficult.

I did reach out to her repeatedly, trying to salvage our friendship. Originally, I didn’t stay silent. I told her how I felt and tried to reconnect. But she kept ignoring me, so ultimately I had to let go. I had to stop reaching out and cut all contact for my own mental health.

I won’t lie, I personally struggle with letting go of people. I should be brilliant at it because I’ve had enough people leave my life, but I’m not quite there yet. In all fairness to myself, I’m significantly better at bouncing back after a setback, putting myself first, and making myself a priority in my own life.

I’m a walking, talking work in progress when it comes to letting go of people. It’s okay if you are a work in progress as well. 🙂 Just be kind to yourself along the way.

The power of healing after a breakup

We must take the time to heal after a breakup. It doesn’t matter if it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family breakup.

We must take the time to feel and process our grief. It’s important that we acknowledge our grief in the first place. Grief isn’t always about someone dying. Grief can also be about loss.

It’s painful, it’s emotional, and it can have a big impact on your life.

You must give yourself the time to heal. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t move on as quickly as you would like. The stages of grief are not linear, and grief certainly does not follow a timetable.

Show yourself compassion and patience. Give yourself every chance and opportunity to heal.

The power of independence

There is great power and strength in being independent.

It’s powerful to make your own decisions and live your own values. There is power in fresh starts and new beginnings.

Action is more powerful than words. Demonstrating that you have moved on and grown as a person is more powerful than talking about it.