Accepting People As They Are

Accepting people as they are is not easy. The truth is, accepting people as they are can be one of the hardest things to do in life.

We may wish our relationship with a person were different. We might desperately want a person to change. We might yearn for the people that we love to treat us with more love and respect.

Accepting people as they are can be challenging. It can be hard to accept that an important relationship will never measure up to what we want or need.

If you are struggling with accepting a person in your life, please reach out for help from a counselor or trained medical professional, such as a psychologist. I have reached out to counselors in the past throughout different hardships in my life, and they have always helped.

Never be ashamed to ask for help. Asking for help is an act of bravery and courage.

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Let’s dive into accepting people as they are. The following is my personal opinion only.

1. Admit to yourself that you wish things were different

Sometimes it helps to admit to ourselves that we wish a person or situation were different.

I know the whole “it is what it is” motto is common nowadays, but let’s face it, that doesn’t mean that the whole situation doesn’t suck or that it isn’t tough to deal with. Just because something is what it is doesn’t mean it’s not incredibly painful or difficult.

Accepting things as they are doesn’t mean that we are not left with a truckload of complicated emotions to process and work through. Saying “it is what it is” doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the pain.

We need to acknowledge our pain before we can process it and move through it.

It’s not a good idea to stay too long in the wishing things were different space. It’s a place to visit temporarily, not live permanently.

Admitting our feelings is something we do privately for ourselves. You have your moment of wishing things were different. Then you get back to work on the acceptance/healing side of things.

Are you ready to work on your acceptance? This book may be helpful for you. Grab a copy of The Gifts of Acceptance: Embracing People and Things As They Are by Daniel A. Miller.

2. Be honest with yourself

It’s important that we are honest with ourselves about people and situations that we find ourselves in.

No one particularly wants to admit that a relative has a substance abuse problem or that their parent is emotionally immature and will never be able to provide them with the love and support they want and deserve.

This sort of acceptance can be very challenging. However, denying the situation will not help anyone. Sticking your head in the sand and pretending it’s not happening will just keep you stuck.

Trying to bury or deny your pain will only make things worse.

3. Understand that you can’t change people

I think the biggest mistake we make with this whole acceptance thing is trying to change people BEFORE we accept them.

We think if we can just get them to change their actions and behaviors, we can finally accept them. Unfortunately, people don’t change unless they want to.

We might think that because someone loves us and we love them, that means they will change for us, but that’s not true. It’s a hard pill to swallow, thinking that our love isn’t enough for people to change.

Yet it is an important life lesson we need to learn.

If people want to change and take steps to make that happen, by all means, support them wholeheartedly, but don’t try to force them to change.

Whilst we can’t change people, we can learn how to better help them.

A book that might help in this regard is Helping People Change: Coaching with Compassion for Lifelong Learning and Growth by Richard Boyatzis, Melvin L. Smith, Ellen Van Oosten.

4. Change yourself

Maybe that headline should say improve yourself instead!

Either way you look at it, one way to make acceptance easier is to work on yourself. You can’t change the other person, but you can change yourself.

Focus on improving your attitude and your mindset. Your mindset can change the way you view things, even when the situation itself doesn’t change.

Focusing on yourself means focusing on your behaviors and actions. Focus on what you can control.

Another step is to try not to take things so personally. If you are easily offended and take everything and everyone personally, you are more likely to be upset and disappointed by people.

Changing yourself doesn’t mean bending yourself into a pretzel to get the person to like or love you. It doesn’t mean running around trying to be a people-pleaser.

It means being yourself and accepting that other people will do the same.

5. See the good as well as the bad in people

When we are trying to accept people as they are, it’s important to look at both their good and bad qualities.

When we are struggling with our relationship with someone, we tend to do one of two things. We either focus on only the negative and completely gloss over the positive. Or we do the exact opposite and gloss over their terrible behavior for the rare moments of support and love that they give us.

Try to stay objective and see both sides of the situation and both sides of the person.

While we are thinking about how we view people, it’s probably a good time to think about the labels we put on people.

Some examples of labels are selfish, lazy, user, bad mother, and narcissist.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that all of the above do exist, but sometimes we can be a bit too quick to slap a label on someone. Look how often this happens on social media. People jump straight to nasty name-calling and labeling people whom they know nothing about.

If we want to accept people for who they truly are, we need to see the person as a whole being, not just a label.

6. Don’t compare your relationship to other people’s

If you are trying to accept someone as they are, it will be helpful not to compare them to other people. It won’t help to compare relationships.

Say, for instance, your family has a strained, dysfunctional dynamic, and you are observing a family that is close, caring, and supportive of each other. Comparing will paint an even worse picture of your family life.

One night, while watching Blue Bloods (the New York cop show), I felt a bit out of sorts watching the Sunday dinner scenes. While the family have their differences, they are a close, caring family. Watching these scenes made me feel a bit sad. Even though it was only a television show, it got me thinking about happy, close families.

Once I realized I was in the comparison trap, I knew it was time to get my mind in the right headspace and stop comparing.

Comparing never makes anyone feel better. The less you compare, the happier you will be.

7. Understand that you don’t know people as well as you think you do

When it comes to family, friends, and even our romantic partners, we think we know them a lot better than we do.

More to the point, we think we know what they are thinking and feeling all the time. We think we can read minds and that our mind-reading skills are always correct.

We make a lot of assumptions, and unfortunately, many of them are wrong.

No matter how well you think you know a person, you don’t know everything they think and feel.

The more you accept this fact, the easier accepting people as they are will be.

One step you can take to work on your acceptance of someone is to have an honest, heartfelt talk with them about what it is you need from them. Please be aware – this will not work with everyone. No matter how much you talk to some people, it won’t make a difference. Talking to some people may even make things worse. Some people are simply set in their ways (which leads us back to the whole acceptance gig).

It’s up to you to determine if it’s worth having a conversation with someone. Make sure this conversation is a calm, even-tempered discussion. No yelling. No losing your temper. That definitely won’t work or help.

8. Show them some love

Sometimes all we can do in our relationships is show people love and compassion.

Be as supportive and caring as you can be in difficult situations.

Our relationships might be difficult at times, but sometimes kindness is our best option.

The thing about acceptance is that it is a two-way street. If you want people to accept you as you are, then you need to return the favor. You can’t expect acceptance but not give any back.

9. Have realistic expectations

Are your expectations realistic? Do you need to lower your expectations?

Let me be clear with this one: lowering your expectations does not mean putting up with bad treatment or emotional abuse from people. It’s not about accepting abuse (emotional or physical), or letting people manipulate or use you.

Abusive behavior is never acceptable.

Neither is it about lowering your expectations for what YOU want out of life. You should still have your goals and dreams and a process for working towards them.

You may need to lower your expectations when it comes to someone who does not have the ability or capacity to give you the love and support that you need. Too often, we want people to be there for us even though deep down we know they are not capable of it.

10. Grieve if you need to

Sometimes, to accept people as they are, we have to grieve the relationship.

We grieve the relationship we never had (but desperately wanted) or grieve the relationship that we used to have that has changed beyond recognition.

Grieving isn’t just about people dying. It’s about loss and change.

Let yourself grieve if necessary. Let yourself heal. Be kind and compassionate to yourself through the process. Heads up, the kind and compassionate part is super important!

11. Forgive

If you are going to accept people as they are and continue to have them in your life, then it will help to work towards forgiveness in
some shape or form.

Forgiveness can be hard. Many of us can forget but not forgive.

Without forgiveness, our lives can end up full of resentment and anger, and no one wants that.

Forgiving is something we should do for ourselves. We forgive so that we can move on and be emotionally healthy and not hang onto pain and anger.

Just because we forgive someone doesn’t mean we approve of their actions. It doesn’t mean admitting what they did was right or acceptable.

Work on forgiveness, even if it takes time and a lot of patience.

Related post – 10 Thought-Provoking Forgiveness Quotes

12. Understand you don’t have to have that person in your life

Sometimes, to keep someone in our lives, it means not living with them. Not living together helps give us some distance (both emotional and physical). Distance, setting, and maintaining strong boundaries may be the way we keep people in our lives while also protecting ourselves.

It’s important to point out that just because you accept someone for who they are doesn’t mean they have to stay a part of your life.

You are allowed to walk away from a person. You are allowed to cut people out of your life.

Yes, even when they are family.

Ultimately, you must do what is best for your mental and emotional health. Only you can make that decision. You might accept that a parent or sibling is emotionally abusive and decide not to have them in your life.

Sometimes acceptance is about letting go and walking away. Letting go of the endless drama. Letting go of people who are making your life so much harder than it needs to be.

Regardless of whether we struggle to accept the people in our lives or even to accept ourselves, acceptance can be challenging. But it is also incredibly important. Acceptance is an opportunity for growth and healing.

Accept the people in your life, accept your true self, and move your life forward with peace and love.

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