Last week for Valentine’s Day, I published a post for people in a relationship – 20 Questions to Ask Yourself About Your Relationship.
In that post, I promised something soon for the singles as well.
And here it is – 20 questions to ask yourself if you want to find love.
Disclosure – This post contains affiliate links and I will be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links.
If you want to find love, here are 20 questions to ask yourself before plunging into your next relationship.
1. Do you believe that you are worthy of love?
This question or more importantly the answer to it is vital because if you don’t believe you are worthy of love there is a good chance that you will do something to sabotage your chances of finding it.
When you don’t believe you are worthy you might pick partners who can’t fully commit to you (like people already in relationships, people who are bad for you, or anybody who has ‘it’s complicated’ as their Facebook relationship status).
You might even break up with a wonderful partner because, in your mind, you think there must be something wrong with them if they could be in love with you.
No matter what the scenario, the outcome of self-sabotage is usually misery. You don’t want self-sabotage to run your life. You have the power to control your behavior.
You need to believe you are worthy of love.
FYI – You were worthy the moment you were born and you are worthy now. Nothing has changed.
Related post – Know Your Own Worth
2. Do you love yourself?
I’m not going to give you the old spiel that you have to love yourself before someone else will love you, because I’m not 100% sure that is true. We’ve probably all seen people who hate themselves but who are in long-term relationships where their partner loves them.
What loving yourself does mean is that you will be a more content and happy person and content, happy people are more likely to have successful relationships than miserable ones who hate themselves.
Love yourself first. Make the decision to love yourself.
I know that statement might sound oversimplified but hating yourself is a choice. Hell, it might even be a toxic habit. The good news is habits can be changed. It’s all up to you.
If self-doubt has become a habit, I have a great online course recommendation for you. I recently completed the How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence by Mel Robbins over at CreativeLive.
I got a lot of value out of this course and I know that if you implement the tips and strategies Mel recommends you will benefit from the course as well. You can read my review of the course here to see how it can work for you.
3. Do you think you are attractive?
And I don’t mean in a bragging ego-driven, “I’m so hot, everyone wants me” way.
If you want to find love, you don’t have to be a supermodel or a guy with six-pack abs but it does help a LOT if you are comfortable with your own body and the way you look.
It helps to be comfortable with your own attractiveness to attract someone else.
Being confident with your looks makes you more attractive.
Putting yourself down, apologizing for the way you look, or constantly seeking outside validation of your looks is not attractive.
Asking someone if you look fat repeatedly is not attractive. Ditto for constantly saying you are fat.
If you walk around thinking no one finds you attractive, you could be turning your negative thoughts into a self-fulfilling prophecy because you’ll be giving off such a bad vibe people won’t be game to approach you.
If meeting online, they might be attracted to your photo and want to meet you but then be put off by your lack of confidence in yourself.
Thinking you are attractive doesn’t mean you have to be perfect (there is no such thing by the way) or that you aren’t working to improve yourself. You might want to lose a bit of weight or get healthier and that is perfectly okay.
The thing to remember is you are only looking for one person (just a heads up if you are looking for more than one person at a time you are definitely reading the wrong blog).
You don’t need to walk into a room and turn every head. This isn’t about everyone finding you attractive – just the right one!
Related posts –
While we are talking about our bodies, here is an important question for you. Are you obsessed with your weight? Are you obsessed with dieting and losing weight?
If you need help in this area, my lovely friend Anne-Sophie Reinhardt can help you. Anne-Sophie helps people with eating disorders, works on people’s relationships with food, and gets them feeling good about their bodies.
4. Do you have a long laundry list of things you are looking for in a partner?
Do you have a list so long of expectations and requirements that no one could possibly measure up?
Is your laundry list comprised mainly of things related to someone’s looks or material possessions?
Is your laundry list, related to how other people will see your partner? Do you want other people to think your partner is ‘hot’ so that you feel better about yourself? I totally get that you want to be attracted to your partner. Come to think of it, that’s kind of important but you don’t want looks playing the wrong part in your relationship.
Do you have a list? If so, have a close look at what’s on your list and work out what’s really important to you. You might be focusing on the wrong things.
5. Do you have your own values?
This is about having your own values and beliefs sorted out before going into a relationship.
This is about NOT handing your life over to someone on a silver platter. This isn’t about compromising everything you believe in and turning yourself into the person you think another person wants you to be.
You need to have a clear view of your own values and beliefs. It doesn’t mean that you are inflexible in your thinking, just that you have your own thoughts.
Related post – Know Your Own Values
6. Do you have your own friendships established?
Do you have your own group of friends? It doesn’t have to be this big group of people either. One or two best friends in your life can have an incredible impact.
This is about making sure that you have your own social structures and friendships in place. It’s about having people who love and support you outside of any relationship you might have.
Related post – Do You Need to Reconnect with Old Friends?
7. Do you know what you can bring to a relationship?
List 5 things that you can bring to a relationship right now off the top of your head.
If you can’t think of any it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be in a relationship but it does mean that you need to be more aware of the awesome strengths, behaviors, and personality traits that you can bring to a relationship.
This isn’t about being braggy or vain – this definitely isn’t about your looks either.
It’s about what you can offer in a relationship.
8. Are you hoping for someone to complete you?
I remember watching the movie ‘Jerry Maguire’ when it first came out and thinking that whole ‘you complete me’ thing was so romantic and beautiful – but later I started to think it was a huge pile of rubbish and no, it’s not because I’m still single and I haven’t found someone to complete me yet!!
I don’t believe it’s true (or emotionally healthy for that matter).
However I spoke to my best friend a while back about this and she told me that she did believe it – because her husband completed her life.
It made me rethink the whole thing and here is my current take on it.
In my girlfriend’s case, she had done a lot of personal growth work. She was independent and strong. She had reflected on her mistakes and made promises to herself not to repeat them (which she stuck to). She made a decision about what sort of man she wanted to be involved with.
The point is after all the work she put in, she was a complete person by the time she met her hubby and he massively enhanced her life.
He did provide a piece that was missing but that doesn’t mean she was broken in the first place.
Related post – Be the Sort of Person You Want to Attract
9. Do you feel desperate to meet someone?
Please don’t think that I am insinuating that all singles are desperate and looking for love.
I know that is not the truth.
I know a lot of single people and they are not desperate – they are out there having a great time living their lives.
The truth is with this one it doesn’t just apply to singles.
I had a male friend in a long-term relationship desperate to meet someone else so that he could leave his current girlfriend. He was a serial monogamist who had to always be in a relationship.
I’m sure most of us have seen married people desperate to get out of their marriage. We’ve seen married people have affairs out of desperation.
You don’t have to be single to be desperate.
But for the point of this exercise, I will assume that you are single and that you are feeling desperate.
Maybe you have been alone for a long time or perhaps you want to have children and you feel that window of opportunity is closing.
Whatever the reason, you need to understand that desperation is not helping you.
Obviously, this is a huge topic, and volumes of books have been written about it, so I can’t cover the whole topic here.
With that in mind, here are my thoughts on this one. If you are feeling desperate, I would try both of these.
- Find a fun interest or hobby that takes up a lot of your time and emotional energy. It has to be something you love doing though. Even better if it involves contact with other people (say a team sport or social activity for example). If exercise/sport is not your thing, don’t stress there are plenty of other things you can do.) It needs to be something you can focus on and something you enjoy doing. When you are focused and having fun you won’t feel so desperate.
- Work on yourself. This includes taking courses that can help you (check out the amazing list of self-development courses on offer at CreativeLive. I’ve already recommended How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence but there is also a course by Gary John Bishop called Unf**k Your Relationships which looks interesting as well.
If you are a woman looking for advice on how men think, I’ve been watching videos by Matthew Hussey from How to Get the Guy and he’s teaching some really great stuff and helping people. If you are interested, check it out. You can also buy his book Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve.
You need to shake your desperation and shake up your life (in a good way) so that you are in a better position to meet someone.
Your desperation might be coming from a deep sense of loneliness.
I hear you on this one.
I wrote a post back in 2014 called How to Cope with Feelings of Loneliness.
When I wrote this post, I had a good handle on my thoughts and feelings on loneliness but something happened at the end of last year that resulted in me feeling the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. I won’t lie to you, it was an extremely difficult time but I did a lot of soul-searching and came out the other side stronger. I’ll be writing about this particular experience in a separate post.
Loneliness can make us desperate and can be the reason we enter into bad or inappropriate relationships.
The most important thing is to reach out to people. Reach out to your friends and family.
I mentioned it earlier but again if depression and loneliness have become a problem for you, seek professional help.
10. Are you only looking for a partner because you need to have one?
This one is not so much about loneliness but more about being co-dependent.
If you want to be in a healthy relationship, that starts with being able to stand on your own two feet.
It comes from wanting someone in your life for all of the right reasons and not because well…..anyone will do. The anyone-will-do attitude is how we make bad choices for ourselves. It’s why we choose inappropriate partners and consequently why we end up miserable.
Take small steps if you have to, but take the steps to be able to support and care for yourself, without needing someone else to do it for you.
11. Are you still in love with your ex?
Be brutally honest with yourself about this one.
If you are still in love with your ex then you need to do some healing/closure work and the best time to do that is while you are single.
If you go into a relationship, it’s not fair on the other person who doesn’t stand a chance no matter how incredible they are, if you are still in love with someone else.
People can be really hurt if you pretend to have feelings for them when you are actually still in love with someone else. (Unfortunately, I speak from experience with this one. I was in what I thought was a good relationship for 6 months before the person just disappeared without a word. I later found out he was still in love with his ex).
If you need help moving through the pain of a breakup, Michelle D’Arella at Pushing Beauty has some great articles on love and loss. I haven’t personally worked with Michelle but I have read several of her posts and think they might help you. She also offers one-on-one coaching if you need it.
12. Do you secretly want to get back together with your ex?
While we are talking about exes you might be more than just still in love with them, you might want them back.
You also might not want to admit that to yourself.
Get serious with yourself about this question and be serious with yourself as to whether you want to try to make it happen or if it’s even a viable option (remember there are two hearts and minds involved in this happening).
If it’s not viable, it’s time to move on emotionally. Seek a professional counselor if you need help with that.
Related post – Should You Take Back With Your Ex?
13. Are you willing to put in the work?
Despite Valentine’s Day making it look like it’s all romance, chocolates, and flowers – being in a relationship takes work.
If you are with the right person for you, it’s less work but there is still work involved.
(Heads up – if all you ever do is work on your relationship and it still sucks most of the time, you are probably not with the right person).
Back to my original point. Relationships take work. You need to take the other person’s feelings into account, you have to be considerate, you have to remember stuff (like birthdays and anniversaries and the like) and you will have to make some compromises. Plus about a thousand other things.
Of course, I don’t want this to stop you from being in a relationship but it’s more a point to remember for anyone wearing rose-colored glasses who think dating is hard and everything will be easy and I won’t have to do anything when I am in a relationship.
Dating is hard but relationships require work too so be prepared.
14. Do you know how to fight fair?
No surprise here folks but couples fight. They disagree, argue, and debate (sometimes rather loudly).
If your primary source of communication is screaming at someone and losing your temper then you are not ready for a relationship and you need to do some work on your communication skills.
Do you know how to fight fair?
Do you know how to have a rational, calm discussion with no name-calling? Do you know how to keep your temper in check and not fly off the handle at the smallest things?
Acting like a child and trying to get payback on your partner might get a laugh in television sitcoms but in real life it’s toxic, harmful to your relationship, and not funny.
Related post – How to Have Those Hard Conversations
15. Are you willing to be vulnerable?
Emotional connection requires vulnerability.
A lot of people don’t like feeling vulnerable. They feel it exposes them to the possibility of being hurt or gives someone else the upper hand.
But vulnerability is essential for long-term commitment and connection.
Brene Brown is a vulnerability expert and has some wonderful books on the subject if you are interested in exploring this topic.
16. Are you prepared to allocate time and energy to a relationship?
Let’s get real here. A LOT of singles aren’t sitting around pining for love.
There are a lot of singles (me included) who don’t slot into that horrid single stereotype of someone sitting around listening to sappy songs and thinking about what losers they are. To hell with that quite frankly!
A lot of singles are out there living their lives, working on their careers, having fun with their friends, and traveling the world having a fantastic time. All good stuff.
Some singles may feel they don’t have the time or energy for a relationship because they have so much going on in their lives already.
Our careers are one example. I can relate to this one myself at the moment. Right now, trying to get my business up and running means I work a LOT. By the time I’ve finished working for the day, I barely have enough energy to sit with my cat and relax. I’d seriously struggle to form any sort of relationship right now and that’s fine by me because right now I’m not interested in a relationship.
If you are looking for a relationship (despite the fact that you might not have truly admitted that to yourself yet) then you need to find the time and the emotional energy to meet someone and have them in your life.
17. Do you have your emotional baggage sorted out?
It’s your responsibility to sort out your own baggage before going into a relationship. You can’t expect your partner to sort it out and fix it all for you.
This doesn’t mean that you have to be totally baggage free but it does mean that you have to be emotionally mature and ready to be in a healthy relationship with another person.
It does mean that you have to accept responsibility for yourself and for your future.
Related post – You Can’t Blame Your Parents Forever
18. Are you still sewing your wild oats?
In case you’ve never heard of this old expression, it means you want to sleep with different people. And by sleep, I mean having sex with (in case that was unclear).
No judgment here. If you are single and out there playing the field, that’s all good.
It’s a good idea to not ‘play’ with people who are genuinely looking for a long-lasting relationship. People get hurt. Heartbreak, hurt, and pain don’t always go away quickly or easily. It can linger and have lasting repercussions.
If you are just in it for the sex, find other people in it for the same thing. Have fun and be safe.
There’s no need to mess with the people looking for a committed relationship.
If you are one of the people looking for a committed relationship, it’s not a bad idea to hold off rushing into the physical side of things so that you can get some idea of what the other person is after (you can’t go by what they say – no matter how nicely they say it.)
It really does depend on the two people involved and what their motivations are.
19. Are you ready for a monogamous relationship?
Are you ready to be with one person? Are you ready to be faithful?
Make sure you know the answer to this one before you commit to someone.
Once you lose someone’s trust it’s incredibly hard and sometimes impossible to get it back, so make sure you are ready to commit.
20. How do you feel about marriage and kids?
What are your thoughts on marriage?
What are your thoughts about having children? What are your thoughts on having step-children in your life?
It helps to have a general overview of how you feel about these things BEFORE you meet someone.
It doesn’t mean that you can’t or won’t change your mind or that circumstances and choices won’t dictate a change but it helps to have YOUR thoughts and ideas sorted out first, then when you meet someone you can work out what you want together as a couple.
Just to be clear, with these questions I’m not saying that you have to be this perfect, got-it-all-together person to find love (definitely not, far from it actually) but like everything else in life, it does help if you start with a solid foundation and have a healthy, positive mindset.
It helps if you know yourself and have clarity on who you are and what you want before getting involved with another person.
If you are looking for love I wish you all the best in your search. May your life be full of love, happiness, and companionship going forward.
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