Overcoming Abandonment Issues

Today I want to dive into how to work through your abandonment issues.

I have struggled with abandonment issues for a large part of my life.

They started when I was young. Come to think of it, they probably started the day I was born.

I was adopted when I was a child. My Mum and Dad came to pick me up from the hospital when I was two weeks old. I always knew I was adopted and openly accepted it when I was a child.

It wasn’t until my Mum and I started having problems (surprise, surprise, around the same time puberty kicked in and I discovered boys!) that my abandonment issues went up a notch. My Mum and I were always butting heads, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Her favorite word at the time was disappointed.

I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me if two mothers didn’t love me. I started to believe I was unlovable (a toxic limiting belief that stayed with me for many years).

Shaking off my abandonment issues took a lot of hard work, commitment, and time. It didn’t happen overnight.

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With that said, here are my personal thoughts on how to work through your abandonment issues as an adult.

Admit that you have abandonment issues

Awareness is a key part of growth. You can’t heal or work on what you are not aware of.

Admitting you have a problem with abandonment and figuring out why is a key component of working through your issues.

The why factor is extremely important. Figuring out your why can be confronting, but it’s worth the effort.

Related post – The Importance of Self-Reflection

Don’t be in denial

Pretending you don’t have abandonment issues won’t help; in fact, it will only make things worse. Being in denial tends to foster self-destructive impulses and actions.

Pretending you are fine or blaming someone else will simply keep you stuck in unhealthy patterns.

Related post – Are You Repeating the Same Mistakes?

Recognize the signs

Think you don’t have any abandonment issues? Feelings of abandonment can manifest in many different ways.

Jealousy, insecurity, neediness, and clinginess can all be signs of a fear of abandonment.

Choosing unavailable people is another example. If you have been abandoned (by a cheating partner or even a parent who walked out on the family), there can be a tendency to get involved in relationships where the other person can’t commit. The thought pattern goes something like this: if there is no real relationship, then someone can’t technically leave you.

Another sign to watch out for is if you are always the one bailing on relationships without a good reason. Often people who are insecure and scared of being left by someone get the jump on them and leave them first. Often this stems from them secretly not feeling good enough or, even worse, questioning why the person would be in a relationship with someone like them in the first place.

If you suffer from any of these, take a closer look at why you feel the way you do.

Related post – How to Stop Creating Drama in Your Life

Deal with issues when they occur

Awareness is all well and good, but what are you supposed to do when your abandonment issues raise their ugly head?

It is important to deal with loss. Don’t pretend it didn’t hurt when it did.

Last year I wrote about one of my best friends ending our friendship. It hurt like hell and brought up some old abandonment issues that I had to deal with.

When I was younger, if a partner broke up with me, I would be devastated. I would blame myself for everything, stop eating properly, drink too much, and be miserable for months on end. I would wallow and over-analyze every part of the relationship.

This time around, with a higher sense of self-esteem, I took a different approach.

I processed what had happened to the best of my ability, I mourned the loss of the friendship, and I moved on.

I did not blame myself. I didn’t allow myself to wallow. I didn’t make myself miserable.

I let go.

Dealing with my abandonment issues head-on has put an end to my old self-destructive behavior.

When it comes to your abandonment issues, make sure you seek out help from a trained medical professional if you need it. A trained professional can help you work through your abandonment issues.

Related post – Don’t Let Anyone Else Define Your Worth

See through the eyes of an adult

A lot of our abandonment issues can go back to our childhood, which makes it very important to see the present and the past through the eyes of an adult.

As an adult, I know that my mother did love me. We have a close relationship now, just in case you were wondering!

I understand now that she was dealing with her own problems. As children, we don’t see our parents as two people in a relationship (we just see them as Mum and Dad). Often we see them as Mum and Dad who fight a lot and don’t understand what’s going on.

As an adult, I can make sense of what happened. I have also met my birth mother, which helped with my self-discovery process.

Related post – You Can’t Blame Your Parents Forever

Accept that people come and go

Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes. This can be hard to come to terms with, but it is part of life.

How you cope with change will go a long way to healing your abandonment issues.

The longer you hold on to people who aren’t holding onto you – the longer it will take you to move on.

Don’t hand your life over on a silver platter

Sometimes our abandonment issues have little to do with our childhood.

They are solely based on our adult relationships.

When we hand our lives over on a silver platter to someone else, we give up parts of ourselves. We take on their interests, often forsaking our own; we spend more time with their friends and neglect our own. We try to be the sort of person we think our partner wants instead of who we truly are.

If our partner leaves us, we feel empty and lost because we have literally been giving away pieces of ourselves.

Keep your own identity and stay true to who you are.

Work on your self-esteem and self-worth

What truly helped me work through my abandonment issues was working on my self-esteem and self-worth.

Related content to help ramp up your self-worth –

Once you truly appreciate your own worth, you feel empowered. No more doormat behavior. No more passive-aggressive actions. You feel more at peace with yourself.

Having high self-worth doesn’t mean that people won’t come and go in your life. What it does mean is that someone leaving you won’t be soul-destroying.

One thing I have realized over the years is that someone leaving me often wasn’t really about them.

To be honest, I knew deep in my heart that some of those relationships were doomed. Some weren’t even what I wanted. Yet I was devastated when the person left me.

What I know now is that it wasn’t about them or even my feelings for them – it was about my own lack of self-love.

Looking for books to help work through your abandonment issues? Check out the books below.

Understand you may need to readdress your abandonment issues

While I wrote this post years ago, I recently experienced a situation that made me reexamine my abandonment issues.

When I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness, one of my closest friends abandoned me and disappeared out of my life. My best friend of over 25 years abandoned me when I was sick, lonely, and scared. One of my closest family members also stepped back from our relationship. It was a very difficult, challenging time.

It brought up a lot of my previous abandonment issues, and I had to work through and process my feelings and emotions once again.

It made me realize that dealing with your abandonment issues may not be a once-and-done situation. As life throws situations at us, it may trigger old emotions and feelings of abandonment.

Deal with your feelings. Know that you can work through them. Trust yourself to be able to come out better on the other side.

Work through your abandonment issues

Once you work through your abandonment issues and learn to love yourself, you will find yourself in a much more loving, content place.

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How to Work Through Your Abandonment Issues