What Love Do You Deserve?

As I was browsing through the Instagram feed for Gala Darling, a particular quote stood out to me. More to the point, I felt the words jump off the page and slap me across the face.

Take a deep breath, because here we go.

We accept the love we think we deserve

I wish I had known this truth years ago. Instead, I learnt my lessons on love the hard way. In the past, I accepted a lot less love than I deserved.

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In this post, I want to look at some of the reasons we think we don’t deserve love.

Let’s dive in.

Low self-worth

Having a sense of low self-worth can make us feel like we don’t deserve to be loved.

I know that, for me personally, low self-worth resulted in relationships with inappropriate men and accepting their terrible behavior. Because of how I felt about myself, even after I experienced their bad behavior, I stayed with them.

I was scared to be alone.

Why did I put up with unacceptable behavior? Because I didn’t love or value myself enough, I accepted what I felt I deserved.

Now I know better. Now I don’t fear being alone. Now I know my worth.

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Feeling unlovable

I struggled with this little gem for a long time. My sense of feeling unlovable originally came from being adopted as an infant. Following that, a difficult relationship with both of my parents growing up further helped cement my feeling of being unlovable.

This feeling affected my dating life in my 20’s. Because I felt unlovable, I thought that if I could get some bad boy to adore me, then surely that was proof that I was lovable.

I was desperately searching for proof of my lovability.

Talk about looking for love in all the wrong places! I was constantly seeking love and approval from someone outside of myself.

It’s not like you think to yourself – I’m worthless; I’ll find a man who will cheat on me. It’s so much more subtle than that.

Often, the problem was that I made it all about him and not about me. It’s a bit like when you go for a job interview, and all you can think about is, will they hire me? Will they think I’m good enough? Will they like me? Just like job interviews, relationships are a two-way street.

It’s not all about what they want. You get a say in what you want (and don’t want).

If you are looking for a book that can help with how you feel about yourself, the book It Begins With You Now: The Workbook: The Essential Companion with Transformative Exercises for Self-Awareness and Fulfilling Relationships by Jillian Turecki can help.

Feeling like we are not good enough

While this one falls under the self-worth umbrella, I thought I would mention it separately because it’s something that so many people struggle with.

We feel like we are not good enough.

We might not feel pretty enough, smart enough, fun enough, or interesting enough. This list could go on and on.

Consequently, we find ourselves drowning in self-doubt. I have written a full post about this one, so if you are struggling with these unpleasant feelings, make sure you read 12 Things To Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough

Seeking outside validation

One of the reasons many of us think we don’t deserve love is because we seek outside validation. External validation means taking on board what everyone else thinks of us.

We need other people to tell us we are worthy, lovable, smart, or beautiful. This all seems fine when the positive comments are rolling in. We lap them up and feel good about ourselves.

However, when this validation is taken away, we are devastated and our self-worth plummets. This can happen when a partner breaks up with us, but it can also happen when a stranger makes a derogatory comment about us.

If we have our heart broken multiple times and our sense of self-worth is all based on external validation, it can make us feel like there is something wrong with us and we don’t deserve love.

We must learn how to validate ourselves from within, so that we are not at the mercy of everyone’s opinions of us, regardless of whether it’s a partner, friends, or family.

I have finished an excellent book by the wonderful Mel Robbins that will definitely help you if you are feeling crushed by other people’s opinions. The book is The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About. I know this book will be a game-changer in my own life, and it can be for you as well. Grab yourself a copy of The Let Them Theory, implement the key principles, and watch your life improve.

Thinking it’s all about our looks and body

Unfortunately, many people think they are undeserving of love because of how they look. Women can be particularly hard on themselves about their weight.

They obsess over their so-called faults. They think if they can just look a certain way, they will deserve love. They go on crazy diets, get cosmetic surgery, plus a wide range of other ways to punish themselves.

None of this will work to make someone feel better about themselves until they work on their self-worth.

Not knowing what love really looks like

This one is slightly different, but can still result in us not seeking out a caring and committed relationship.

You might think you sort of, kind of deserve a loving relationship, but you don’t believe they even exist!

With the dating market comprising mainly impersonal, competitive, and just plain nasty dating apps, it can leave you feeling very jaded.

The other issue may be that you don’t have any happy couple role models in your life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home or had divorced parents that seemed to hate each other more than anything else, you probably haven’t seen a loving, committed relationship close up or at all, for that matter.

All of this can leave us with a sense of dread when it comes to love.