girl on beach thinking about her parentsToday, I want to talk about a shocking truth about your parents that you may need to know.

It’s important to point out that this truth won’t apply to everyone.

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Earlier, I wrote a post titled You Can’t Blame Your Parents Forever. I always knew I wanted to write a follow-up to that particular post.

Hopefully, you grew up in a supportive and loving environment as a child. I hope you received words of encouragement and support from your parents.

Unfortunately, that is far from the case for a lot of people.

An important note before we get started. I am not a medical professional of any kind. If you suffered physical or sexual abuse at the hands of a parent (or anyone else), please seek out help from a trained professional or counselor. The same could be said for certain types of emotional abuse, which can be extremely damaging. If you are struggling with depression or severe anxiety, please seek out help from a qualified professional.

Let’s dive in.

Many people grew up hearing negative and hurtful words from their parents.

It’s little wonder these hurtful comments can stay with us well into adulthood. We often carry feelings of inadequacy throughout our lives (and might I add, into our own adult relationships, which can cause profound damage).

You may hear people talking about how they struggle with certain issues because of the words and actions of their parents. They may not pursue a certain career because a parent convinced them they would never be any good at it (or good at anything, for that matter).

They may not take risks if they are led to believe they will fail at everything they try. They may choose bad relationships because they believe they are not worthy of love or deserve to be in a caring partnership. They might choose drugs and alcohol to fill the void of not feeling good enough.

As adults, these long-held insecurities, fears, and doubts can hold us back from our true potential. They can cripple our lives if we allow them to.

So here is the shocking truth about your parents that you may need to hear.

Your parents were wrong.

Your parents were wrong about you. Those awful things your parents said about you were downright wrong.

Not only were your parents in the wrong to say the terrible things in the first place, but the hurtful things they said about you were also wrong. The things they said about you are not your truth.

They are not who you are.

One of the great things about adulthood is that we get to make our own decisions. We get to choose what we believe and how we act. We get to choose who we are.

As an adult, you have the ability to question, refute, and discard your parents’ words and actions.

Try to be as objective and logical about this as possible. Think about the words that affect you.

Would you believe such a hurtful statement if it were coming from someone else? Imagine it was coming from someone you didn’t have such a bond with? Would you question it more if that were the case?

Imagine the comment was coming from a stranger, you would probably shrug it off and not let it bother you.

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Here’s just one small example of how this can work. In a work meeting a couple of years ago, the CEO stated that he was extremely disappointed with the work done by our team.

For a moment, I felt shattered. I wanted to climb under the boardroom table and hide. I heard the word disappointed more than I would have liked growing up. My Mum was always saying how disappointed she was in me.

Every time she said she was disappointed in me, it felt like a stab to the heart.

The guilt and shame associated with that particular word came flooding back during my meeting. For a moment, I was close to tears. Then I got myself together.

I thought things through logically. My work on the project was of a high standard. I did what was required (and then some). I personally had nothing to be ashamed of. Although it was a very emotionally charged moment, I let the comment go.

A personal turning point for me was my parents’ divorce. I was in my late twenties at the time. With the divorce, I saw another side to my parents. Their behavior wasn’t pretty, and that’s putting it politely! Their behavior was downright ugly. I started to see them as people with their own faults and insecurities, and not just Mum and Dad.

As much as I still loved them both, their behavior certainly had me questioning why I was holding on to some of the harmful exchanges from the past.

Their divorce illustrated how some of the things they had said in the past were based on their unhappy relationship with each other, not with me.  

It made me realize that some of the hurt and guilt I had hung onto for years had nothing to do with me.  Understanding this allowed me to finally release many of the negative feelings and emotions I’d been struggling with for quite a long time.

As a result, I learned to stand up for myself more. Standing up for myself meant letting my parents know that certain behaviors were not acceptable, something I had never done before.

The next time you hear yourself thinking or saying, Dad said I wasn’t good enough. Mum said such and such. Stop yourself.

You have the power to tell yourself – they were wrong, and I won’t allow their negative words to have a hold over me any longer.

I realize this stuff isn’t easy. It’s really hard, but it is possible to move forward.

It takes self-awareness and consistency to change your negative self-talk. Each time you find yourself echoing nasty comments from your parents, stop your thoughts and calm yourself. Then focus your thoughts on what you are trying to achieve. Focus on your priorities and what you want in life.

An excellent book that has helped me and one that I often reread when I need it, is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson.

Honestly, reading this book was a revelation. It helped me understand my childhood as well as my adult relationship with my parents. I could relate so much to what I read in this book.

Lindsay C. Gibson has written other books on this topic that might help you as well –

Remember, you have a choice. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Be kind to yourself. Show yourself compassion.

Choose to move beyond the negative comments from your childhood and make your own way. Make your own decisions and choices.

Make yourself proud. If your parents are proud of you, well, that’s a fabulous bonus, but it all starts with being proud of yourself.

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Read Next – Are You Proud of Yourself?