I had a startling realization the other day about personal relationships and wanted to share it with you.
I have been out of the dating game for a while now on a self-imposed hiatus. Recently I have been thinking I need to start dating again.
Consequently that has me thinking about what I want in a relationship and some of the mistakes I’ve made in the past.
I realized that I unfortunately had a habit of getting involved with weak men.
It’s certainly not something I have done on purpose. It’s not like I went looking for someone who was weak.
What does weak mean in this instance?
Here are a few examples.
- Men who bale at the first sign of trouble or any sort of problem
- Men who don’t return the support you give them (basically it’s all take and no give)
- Men who cheat, lie or take the easy way out
- Men who are controlling or feel easily threatened.
I started wondering why I seemed to be attracting these types of men?
Then it hit me – It’s because I was being weak myself.
Ouch! Yep that particular epiphany stung like crazy.
In my twenties and thirties, I didn’t consider myself a weak person.
In fact I considered myself an independent and strong person. In many ways I was both of those things, but when it came to my relationships with men that’s where my weaknesses kicked in (no doubt fueled by my insecurities and lack of self love).
Men saw my insecurities and used them to their advantage.
I put up with a lot of unacceptable behavior. I didn’t stand up for myself. I didn’t love myself enough.
I would try to fix a relationship despite the fact that I should have walked away. I was weak when it came to picking men in the first place. The fact that I had an attraction to bad boys for many years didn’t help (but that is a whole different subject and separate post).
Because I had commitment/abandonment issues of my own to work through, I secretly choice men that I knew wouldn’t or couldn’t commit. I got involved with men who were already with someone (a weak and not to mention totally stupid and deeply regrettable course of action).
I would often present myself as the person that I thought they wanted to be dating instead of who I really was.
Thankfully I am much stronger now.
I am confident in my own skin. What you see is what you get nowadays. No pretending to be something else to attract someone or keep them happy. No pretending I like things I don’t.
I was talking to someone recently about my cat. They suggested that a new man in my life might be intimidated by that relationship. My first thought was – I had better tone that down. My next thought was – screw that. Yes I love my cat. I also love hundreds of other things and people and have more than enough room for all sorts of different love in my life.
If someone is weak enough to be intimidated by a cat, they are definitely not the man for me. If a cat threatens them, I can only imagine how they would hold up in an actual crisis – the answer is they wouldn’t, they would be out the door.
I am kind, loving, supportive, respectful and strong.
The difference now is that I expect those same decencies in return and I won’t settle for anything less.
If you are looking for a particular trait in someone – make sure you have that trait in yourself.
Be the sort of person you want to attract.
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