Why it's important that you be present, pay attenton listen to people and respond.

Something interesting happened the other night when I was catching up with a friend.

I was feeling a bit down and started to talk to my friend about it. Considering this person often talks to me about their problems and I spend a lot of time listening to them, I thought I was confiding in the right person.

What actually happened was me briefly pouring my heart out, while my friend read on her iPad. I use the word briefly because I stopped talking when it appeared she was either ignoring me or simply not interested in what I was saying.

The next day I noticed an update on my friend’s Facebook page stating what a lovely night she had spending time with me.

I was surprised to say the least.

While I was talking and consequently feeling ignored, she was busy updating her Facebook page about what a great time we were having.

As it turns out, not so much fun had on my part.

The one thing I remember feeling was lonely, despite the fact one of my close friends was sitting in the chair opposite me.

If you want to have better relationships with your friends, for goodness’ sake, people put down the technology.

I love my laptop as much as the next person, but I don’t have it sitting on my lap when I am having a catch-up with friends. Instead, I choose to respect the person I am talking to and listen to them.

Here are some thoughts on paying attention, being present, and being a better listener.

Be present

Be in the moment. Being in the room with someone is not enough; you have to pay attention.

If you genuinely care for the person, then spend quality time with them. Quality time is a love language.

Don’t interrupt

Don’t interrupt. I can be as guilty of this as the next person, but I am making an effort to improve. I’m sure you recognise this scenario. Someone is talking to you about something, and it triggers a thought, and instead of waiting, you blurt it out, interrupting the other person.

Usually it’s because we are excited by the conversation; other times we think we might forget something, so out it comes.

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Don’t think about what you are going to say next

Many of us spend too much time thinking about what we are going to say next.

Many of us are guilty of this, including me. This behaviour is often sparked by the conversation itself; we think of a reply to what the person is saying and continue to think about it, despite the fact the other person is still talking.

If you are always thinking about what you are going to say next, there is a good chance you are not fully listening.

Thinking about what you are going to say next can be particularly harmful in conflict situations. If you are planning your words and not listening, there is a good chance you might miss hearing something important, which can affect your take on the conversation and completely screw up your response.

Don’t do all the talking

Make sure you are not the one doing all of the talking. If you are doing all of the talking, you need to stop and let the other person have a turn.

There are exceptions to this naturally. If someone is grieving over a recent loss, it may be a good time to simply listen and comfort them. Sometimes being silent, yet completely in the moment with someone is what they truly need.

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Avoid distractions

This is where all of the technology comes in.

If you are having a one-on-one discussion, leave the phone alone.

Big groups might have a different dynamic, so sending a quick text isn’t as bad (assuming you aren’t supposed to be paying attention to a particular person at the time).

Distractions can come in many different forms. I will admit, when I am catching up with people at home, I probably do spend a bit too much time fussing over my cat, since she can get a bit flighty when I have guests over, and I don’t want her being distressed. Despite any fussing, I always make sure I quickly come back to the person and give them my full attention.

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Ask relevant follow-up questions

Ask appropriate follow-up questions. Relevant questions demonstrate that you are listening and that you are engaged in the conversation. Questions show that you are interested in the other person.

With that same friend I mentioned above, I noticed that she barely ever asked follow-up questions. She was either not listening or not genuinely interested in me or what I was talking about.

When it comes to questions, you don’t want it to feel like an interrogation, so keep that in mind.

As mentioned earlier, not all conversations require questions; some might be better without them.

Related post – 20 Ways to Show Genuine Interest in People’s Lives

Hold back on the judgement

Try not to be judgmental. This one really depends on the subject matter. Overall, you should try to avoid making the other person feel judged, particularly if they are already vulnerable and upset. They are most likely talking to you because they feel they can trust you.

Of course, there are times when the tough questions need to be asked. Weigh up the situation at the time to work out what is appropriate.

No one likes to feel lonely. By far the worst type of loneliness is when you are not alone but are feeling ignored, taken for granted or simply disregarded.

Can you relate to this? Have you been with a friend or even on a date where the other person is more interested in someone on the Internet rather than the person sitting right in front of them?

Make people feel valued and appreciated by respecting their time and feelings. Be present. Be in the moment. Be really with them when you are with them.

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