After reading the post headline, you are probably thinking one of two things. Bob (substitute name of a family member here) is the black sheep of the family.
Or crap, that would be me.
I fall into the second category.
Here is a list of attributes that give me this distinction.
- I’m not married (enough by itself to make you different in some families)
- I don’t have children and don’t want any
- I don’t own a car
- I am currently working from home on my own business (which means I don’t have a ‘job’)
- I don’t eat meat (this one is fairly recent and causing quite a stir).
These are the highlights, though I could have written quite a long list. I realize this is hardly a radical lifestyle. My family, however, is quite conservative.
In an earlier post, I discussed why it’s okay to be different.
Here are my tips on coping if you are the black sheep of the family.
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Don’t explain your choices
I have fallen into this trap recently. You find yourself constantly having to explain or justify your lifestyle or choices, even the most basic ones.
To be completely honest, it’s exhausting.
Unless you are hurting members of your family, you shouldn’t have to constantly explain yourself.
Break the explaining habit.
Related post – How to Believe in Yourself When People Don’t Support You
Don’t try to change anyone
As it turns out this acceptance stuff is a two-way street.
While you don’t need to explain your choices, neither should you be condemning everyone else for theirs. Appreciate that other people also have the right to go about their lives as they see fit.
As much as I have embraced not eating meat, I’m not trying to shove tofu down anyone else’s throat. My family is free to eat whatever they want, just as I should be.
Understand they may be trying to help
A lot of the time family members are just trying to help, they might not necessarily be going about it the right way. Whilst they see it as helping and offering advice; on your side of the fence, it feels like criticism.
It is important to recognize when the family is trying to help you. If you need their help, by all means, take it and thank them. Appreciate the fact that they offered their time and energy to assist you. Express your gratitude.
If you don’t need their help, politely thank them for offering, decline, and move on.
Don’t tolerate being treated badly
If people start to criticize or make snide comments in your direction, politely nip it in the bud.
Doesn’t that sound easy when you say it like that?
In reality, standing up for yourself can be difficult in certain family situations. Being outnumbered doesn’t make it any easier.
The trick, of course, is using an assertive manner and not a passive-aggressive one. I went with the passive-aggressive approach recently and I wouldn’t recommend it. It just makes things worse.
Timing is also a key component. Do you say something in the thick of a discussion or later when everything has calmed down? Both have their merit and both can cause issues if not used wisely or handled correctly.
I have found the most useful tool is consistency. Every time someone says something that puts you down or criticizes you, politely tell them their behavior is not acceptable. You need to mention what that behavior is. Make sure you don’t ramble, be brief and to the point. No name-calling or being nasty.
You need to do this every time they try to put you down. Hopefully, they will stop or decrease this sort of inappropriate behavior.
Need help with having difficult conversations? The books Crucial Conversations and Difficult Conversations can help.
Have a support network (outside of your family)
If you are the black sheep of the family and struggle to fit in, you need to make sure you have a wonderful group of people whom you do fit with.
I would be lost without my girlfriends who ‘get me’. As much as our family loves us (and we love them), they can sometimes be more on the ‘change’ or ‘fix’ bandwagon, than the ‘live and let live’ one.
Make sure you have a strong group of friends who love you just the way you are.
Related content –
- 12 Key Characteristics of a True Friend
- 12 Heart-Warming Friendship Quotes
- 20 Ways to Show Genuine Interest in People’s Lives
Love yourself just the way you are
Your biggest supporter should be you.
It can be difficult to hold your ground and stick to what you believe in when you are bombarded by criticism and ridicule from people you love. From strangers, criticism can be easily disregarded. From family members, it can really hurt.
Constant criticism can have you doubting yourself if you are not careful.
Take a deep breath; remember who you are and what you believe in.
Need help breaking the habit of self-doubt? Head over to CreativeLive for the How to Break the Habit of Self-Doubt and Build Real Confidence course by the amazing Mel Robbins. Click the image below to read what the course involves. I’ve completed this course myself and got so much out of it. Read my course review post, to see how it can benefit you.
Remember no one is better than anyone else
People with different lifestyles often want to convert you around to their way of thinking.
For whatever reason, they think their way of life is better.
A classic example of this is being married with kids. A lot of married people can’t imagine how you could be happily single and without children, so they try to bring you around to their way of thinking, often by trying to discredit your way of life.
Sometimes we need to be crystal clear with people about what it is we want and what makes us happy. Let people know that you are happy with your life.
Related post – 20 Ways to Stop Caring What People Think of You
Embrace being the black sheep of the family
I like who I am.
Whilst my family might feel more comfortable if my lifestyle was more aligned with theirs, it wouldn’t make me happy. I would be unhappy living their lifestyle, just as they would be unhappy living mine.
Celebrate what makes you different. Your differences make you open to amazing opportunities. Look upon being the black sheep of the family as an advantage, not a liability.
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