I talk a lot about how to know your own worth here at Write Change Grow.
While it’s fantastic (not to mention vitally important) that we know our own worth, it can get a little harder when it feels like the rest of the world doesn’t quite agree with us.
It might be a boss who doesn’t understand what you are capable of or a partner who doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve. It could be your family or even friends.
Or it could be complete strangers.
You might be single and looking for love but struggling to find someone who sees what you have to offer or you might be looking for a job and facing constant rejection (or at least what feels like rejection) because employers can’t see how much you have to offer their workplace.
While we can’t control how people perceive us or how they are going to feel about us, we can control how we feel about ourselves.
So how do we hang in there when people just don’t see our worth the same way we do.
Here are some thoughts for consideration.
Don’t care so much
I know this one can be hard. I’m definitely not saying this is easy, just that a lot of the time it’s kind of essential.
Sometimes we need to not care so damn much about what everyone thinks!
I’m not saying we shouldn’t care about people, animals or the environment (it’s important that we care about all of these things) – just that we shouldn’t care so much about what people think about us.
I think this quote sums it up perfectly.
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” – Dito Von Teese
No matter how amazing you are (and you are amazing, let’s not forget that for a second!) there are always going to be people who just don’t get you, like you, want what you have to offer or realize what you have to offer.
When it comes down to it, all you can do is surround yourself with your peach loving fans and not worry about the others.
In your personal relationships, if you are being yourself and that’s not good enough for someone, than that’s their problem and not yours. If they have issues with you, then it’s their job to process those feelings. It’s your job to get on with your life and not worry about what they are thinking!
Understand there is more to family than being related
I know this can be difficult to wrap your head around but some of the people NOT in your fan club might be related to you.
Sometimes the people who don’t appreciate, know or agree with our worth the most are family.
I get comments from people whose family (or certain members of their family) treat them terribly. The brutal truth is being blood related does not mean that you will be close. It doesn’t mean that you will get along and it definitely does not mean that you will like or love each other.
The interesting thing is if a friend treated us badly, we would most likely end the friendship or at the very least not see them as often!
But with family, we often tend to hang in there and simply put up with mistreatment.
While I am not suggesting that you cut ties with your family – if you don’t get along with them, it might be a good idea not to spend so much time around people who have a toxic impact on your life.
It might be a case of spending a lot of time with the people you do get along with and limiting or in some cases eliminating the time you spend with people who treat you like crap.
I think sometimes, like in a bad romantic relationship, we think we can turn things around. I’ve done this with boyfriends in the past when I was much younger. I convinced myself, that if I just go the extra mile he will treat me better, if I love him more I’ll get more love in return. If I try to keep him happy, things will be okay.
I realize now I was banging my head against a brick wall all in the name of what I thought was love.
I learnt the hard way that you can’t force someone to love you the way you want them to.
They might love you in their own way, but your version of love and their version of love is not the same thing.
If you do have a rocky relationship with your family and they are the ones that always seem to be dragging down your sense of self-worth, focus on the people who pick you up. Spend time with people who lift you up, not drag you down. By the way, hopefully you will be doing the same for the supportive people in your life and lifting them up as well.
I am a strong believer that we choose our own family. The people who nurture us, love us and support us are our family.
Related post – Don’t Let Anyone Else Define Your Worth
Accept that life is a numbers game
I’ll be honest, this aspect of life hasn’t always sat well with me. I’m a bit of an idealist (I’m a INFP personality so perhaps that should be a lot of an idealist).
I remember being in my twenties and enjoying the bar scene and a guy would come up and hit on a girl, only to quickly move onto the next girl (often her best friend standing next to her) if he didn’t think his charms were working. It was all a numbers game to get what he wanted.
There was nothing special about it, no connection required and who you were as a person certainly wasn’t a factor. Yep never liked that aspect of the numbers game.
Of course in the world of Internet dating, now all people need to do is click on the next profile!
But of course the numbers game is made up of a lot more than people trying to get lucky in a bar or on the Internet. It’s test results when you are trying to get into a college, uni or trying to get a job. It’s how many years of experience you do or don’t have. It’s your age. It’s how many dates you go on to find someone. It’s a whole pile of things, all related to the numbers game.
While the numbers game definitely has it downside, what you want to concentrate on is the upside to it all. The more jobs you apply for the more likely you are to get one. The more houses and units you look at the more likely you are to buy or rent one. The more dates you go on the more likely you are to meet someone.
Treat yourself with dignity, work hard and keep yourself open to possibility and you are much more likely to have amazing opportunities come your way. That’s the good part of the numbers game!
Related post – 12 Techniques to Stop Feeling Inferior
Try not to take rejection personally
I mentioned rejection earlier in this post. Sometimes we need to remember that just because something feels like rejection doesn’t mean that we should take it on board as such.
Rejection is sometimes just part of the numbers game I mentioned above. Not saying it doesn’t sometimes suck and feel bad – just that it is what it is.
Over the last couple of years I have spent a fair amount of time job hunting. Five months the first time and a whopping nine months the second. I applied for so many jobs (I stopped counting after 100) I was getting rejection emails from companies I didn’t even remember applying for!
I’ll be honest, at the time some of it did feel like rejection, though in saying that I had just been fired for no reason, so I was struggling with a lot of mixed feelings. You can read about those here if you are in the same boat!
Regardless of whether it’s dating, job hunting or pitching ideas it’s generally not personal. A lot of the time the person on the other end is looking for something very specific. They have a particular picture or checklist in their mind of what they want and if you don’t have one tiny thing (on what might be a very long list) they might not see you are a good fit. Or more likely they see someone else as a better fit.
It’s nothing personal against you.
On the flip side of this whole feeling rejected gig, there is a positive side.
Sometimes our perceived rejections lead us to our greatest triumphs and successes. Being rejected by one company, might mean that we end up in a better company down the track. Being rejected might lead us to start our own business or side hustle. Being rejected might end up taking us down an amazing road we never would have considered otherwise. Rejection can open us up to being more flexible or looking at things from a different perspective.
Not to mention that guy or girl who just rejected you, might have been a total jerk that you are much, much better off without!
Related post – 11 Ways You Have More Power Than You Think
Validate yourself internally
When it all comes down to it, this is the essence of knowing your own worth.
Validating yourself from within is the holy grail because by doing so you aren’t exposing yourself to every external criticism or negative comment.
Does validating yourself from within mean that you will never feel stung or upset by a negative comment? Of course not, you’re human not a robot, so negative comments might still have some impact.
What it does mean it that criticism, negative comments or whatever you want to call them won’t crack you to your core, because you have a solid foundation for accepting and believing in yourself.
You might feel some brief self-doubt (perfectly normal) and you might even go through a period of feeling slightly bummed but ultimately because you know your own worth you can quickly pick yourself back up again, dust yourself off and get back to doing what is important to you.
Related post – Stop Waiting for Acceptance and Accept Yourself
Don’t sit around waiting for people to pick or accept you
At this point you might be thinking well that all sounds fine and dandy but I need a job or I want to meet someone or I want my family to accept and respect me.
I hear you.
But I also know that sitting around waiting for these things to drop in your lap isn’t the way to go. Pushing too hard to get people to accept us, isn’t a great idea either.
Waiting for people to acknowledge that you are good enough is just not on. Screw that!
Instead I suggest getting out there and doing stuff that makes you feel great. Do stuff that makes you feel energized and proud of who you are.
Yes you might want to meet someone but you still need to be having a life and enjoying yourself in the meantime. No sitting around thinking – ‘what’s wrong with me?’
You might need to find a job but there are still ways you can feel a sense of contribution while you are looking for a job. You might volunteer, help a charity, start a blog or solo business or throw yourself into a hobby. You might be able to mentor and help someone else.
When we are chasing something and doubting our worth, we often get bogged down in – ‘will they want me’ territory.
I say turn that on its head and ask yourself – Do I want them? Is this something that I want?
Don’t sit around waiting for something to happen or waiting for someone to accept or pick you.
Get out there, know your own worth and do what makes you happy and fulfilled.
If other people get on board and see your amazing personality, skills and potential – great. If not, it won’t matter because you will be so focused working towards what you want – you won’t care what they think.
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